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I relate to that perception of failure and commend you for steering yourself toward nourishment instead of added pain. In truth, you gave Norman and Simon so much just by being with them in their final days and by being your loving, caring self. As someone on the outside, it's easy to see, but we're always harshest on ourselves, aren't we?

Thank you for giving us insight into your journey and the critical moments that shaped it. I'm in awe of your ability to draw light from dark experiences and weave it into something beautiful for people to read and respond to. I hope the acute pain from these recent losses (and your back) lifts soon. No matter how long it takes, how not linear, gentle, or consistently successful, it's okay. ❤️

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Al, I really appreciate your words, and your encouragement towards kindness, it means a lot. My journey can seem a little heavy, sometimes, so I err on the side of caution in sharing it, but I didn’t have anything to give other than brutal honesty this week. I appreciate you sticking around--some people went straight for the unsubscribe button! And it’s ok, I totally get it. Perhaps I should have put a warning on this one (do we do trigger warnings around here…?). But again, I appreciate you. I’m going gently ♥️

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Oh sweet Chloe, I'm so sorry. We lit a candle today for Simon and Norman 💚

One of my favorite lessons from nature is the saffron crocus. It waits all summer underground and doesn't surface until things get cold. Then, it pokes it's head out of the soil and blooms into the most beautiful violet flowers with the fiery red, precious saffron threads in the middle. Everything else around it submits to the cold and dies back. Saffron crocuses bloom through the cold, frost be damned. They bloom because of it. You remind me of a saffron crocus 💚

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Hannah, sweetheart, I really can’t tell you what it means to me to know that you lit a candle for Simon & Norman. There’s probably not a lot of Sparrows who have had the honour of candles being lit for them on different continents, though I wish there were. Your beautiful telling of the saffron crocus melted me. I can only hope to live up to the comparison. Thank you 💜

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Love is never wasted. A lot of people struggle with investing emotionally in sick animals on the internet only to feel crushed when they die, (yep, I am one of them) so don’t blame your honesty for that maybe? Don’t blame yourself at all. Norman and Simon received care in their short lives, that matters.

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I agree wholeheartedly, Michelle, love is never wasted, and I love those tiny beings still. Thank you for making that point, I hope that this wasn’t too tough on anyone’s heart, it’s certainly never my intention - quite the opposite, really.

And they did receive an awful lot of care, and an awful lot of love in their brief time here. They also taught me a lot about perseverance and contentment, which I’m leaning on now.

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Dear Chloe, your newsletter is titled Death and Birds, you’ve provided enough of a trigger warning right there. I’m glad to read some articulate lived experience of drug use too, though I regret the difficulties it has added to your life. Glennon Doyle has said or written that its a particular hazard to those who, like you, have wide open hearts.

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I do love you for saying that, Michelle, re the title. Thank you. And, yes, Glennon Doyle would seem right on the money, from my experience of rehabs & institutions they're generally full of people who are extremely tender, at heart. ♥️

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“That” being the unsubscribes.

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I'm sorry to hear about your back. I've suffered terrible back pain myself and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

Regarding the drugs, I've always remembered the words of a teacher when I was at college: "Your parents probably told you not to accept sweets from strangers, but it won't be strangers who offer you drugs, it will be your friends. He was right. Drugs never appealed to me I don't even drink. I like being fully compos mentis.

I agree with Michelle, love is never wasted. We once drove fifty miles on a Saturday to take an injured Robin to a wildlife rescue centre, only to be told that it will probably die anyway. We felt pretty upset, but even if we had known that in advance, what was the realistic alternative, not only for the robin, but in terms of what we would be able to live with?

The important thing, it seems to me, is to do what we can. The outcome is not in our control. What you do at the rescue place is wonderful

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I’m sorry to hear about your back, Terry. I hope it’s not treating you too badly right now.

Your teacher was spot on, I don’t think I was once offered drugs by a stranger. I like being compos mentis, too, now. I just to have work for it. I think I was 17 the first time I was offered narcotics (again, by a friend) and I asked what it was like. They said “It’s like a hug from the woman your mother should have been”. I wasn’t going to say no to that…

Bless you for helping that Robin. You’re right, it’s important that we do what we can. EO Wilson’s theory on altruism being genetically encoded comes to mind.

If you’re ever in Kent you’re so welcome to come & visit the centre, it’s a special place.

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Thanks, Chloe. What does the rescue centre rescue? Is it general or birds? We obtained most of our cats from rescue centres, although the two female miscreants we have now came from our vet, because someone left them in a cardboard box outside the door.

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All wildlife - badgers, hedgehogs, bats, deer, all the birds. We had a snake in today. (https://www.follywildliferescue.org.uk/our_work.html). The only wild animal that is transferred is foxes, as there’s a Fox Project nearby who specialise.

Bless your couple of miscreants, sounds like they had a tricky start, I’m glad they’re with you now.

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We've had hedgehogs before, and a few days ago we saw bats flying around in our garden. We have a friendly fox who mpos up the uneaten cat food, and a very happy squirrel couple 😂

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Aug 13, 2023Liked by Chloe Hope

Sending you much love Chloe. They were happy to be together. You gave them that. ❤️ Take care of yourself please, you’re needed here.

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Jill, thank you, sweetheart. They certainly were happy together, bless them. And don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere, just need a little sabbatical to keep some demons in check. I’ll be around. Love to you, my little witchlette ♥️

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Aug 13, 2023Liked by Chloe Hope

💕✊ witchlettes x

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Hey Chloe.

Once again I opened this up to read on my journey home from work. I just nearly missed my train stop (!) due to being carried along by your own journey and the sad news of Simon and Norman, as well as the heartache that that has brought you (not to mention the back issues).

As others have said, this was an incredibly vulnerable post and I applaud you for your openness. You express it all so effortlessly.

I am grateful that I have never had to deal with addiction, though my feet have on occasion stepped in wayward (and, well, let's be honest: wondrous) places. Thank you for sharing your journey, though. I was inhaling your words, my eyes wide.

Sending you much love. Rest up, look after yourself, let David look after you, and know that we all appreciate everything you do, as no doubt Norman and Simon did in their brief but well-loved existence. May they be returned to the great mystery once more.

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Nathan, I thought of you before posting, I was like “I hope this isn’t too intense for Nathan’s commute…”. I feel as though there might be no greater compliment than ones writing making someone miss a stop, so I sincerely thank you for sharing that, and I aspire to one day have you actually, fully miss your stop 😉

Wayward and wondrous places…that I can certainly relate to. Maybe one day, in the very distant future, I’ll start a separate Substack that really goes into some of the madness and magic that’s transpired along the way.

Thank you, Nathan. Sending love to you, from both David & I 💗

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🤗

With greatest respect, I was reading thinking "oh boy, this would make for quite the book!!"

But a separate Substack could also work.

Or a film.

So, you know, options options 😁

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Oh it's a whole franchise, now? I might need your help 😬💕

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Substack becomes book becomes film.

Yes!

Then they'll be a book about *how* the Substack became a book and then a film.

You can interview me then for that segment when you're famous 😉

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Oh I definitely lack the constitution for fame. We might need to re-think. Maybe I write it all as it happened and you fashion it into fiction, then, as above, Substack -> book -> film -> franchise, we split the profits, you be famous?

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Hehe. I'm not against the idea 😅

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There'll*

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Your words sing Chloe. Thank you for drawing lines between subjects that are entangled in life, but rarely in our discourse. I hope you can take the time you need. 🐦‍⬛

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Charlie, I do so appreciate your kind, and deeply supportive words. I also am so thankful for all the beautiful, sanity enhancing gifts that you offer out. You’re a beacon of all things good ✨🪶

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Chloe this was touching. It is such a vulnerable and honest post, one which really resonated with me.

I struggled with addiction in my teens and twenties and your observation that it is in no way - “linear, gentle or consistently successful” - could not be more accurate.

I’m sorry to hear about Simon and Norman, and about the hard time your going through at the moment.

I wish you all the best.

Keep fighting the good fight; and thank you for sharing.

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Michael, thank you. I remember you mentioning your addiction struggles. They’re a tricky thing to write about, and, I’d imagine tough to wrap ones head around if you’ve not been in the grip of it. It certainly is a journey!

Thank you for your kind words and wishes. I’ll be back on form in no time :)

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So sad to hear of Simon and Norman’s passing but I’m even sadder to hear your grief. It’s a strange cat grief and we just have to go through whatever it deems.

I appreciate your honesty about being an addict and what it does to us and continues to do to us long after the drugs are gone.

You were the first read I had on this wonderful thing substax. I had no prior experience of social media except for a brief misguided interaction on a sports thing on Reddit. Suffice it to say it was brutal and demoralizing.

You were a great balm to my fragile social media skills.

I am thinking of you and praying for you and Simon and Norman are together praying for you too. Take care and be gentle with yourself

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Heather, I so appreciate your kindness. Grief is indeed one strange cat, it can play some interesting mind games.

I love knowing that I was your first read here, and that your experience has been gentler than Reddit. They’re definitely fostering something special on this platform, it seems to encourage compassion - even the debate on here seems considered and polite (🤯!)

Thank you for your prayers, I do like to think that wherever they are, Simon & Norman are together.

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🥹so glad to hear from you! As verified hermit myself

I need to tell you-try not to isolate. I can tell you are very beloved by birds and humans alike ❤️. This too shall pass as they say in the rooms.

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Thank you, Heather. That’s an important reminder. Isolation is my go-to, and that line between healthy, nourishing, needed isolation & kinda dangerous isolation can get pretty blurry.

This too shall pass 🙏♥️

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Aug 14, 2023Liked by Chloe Hope

So many feelings...

And so much honesty and truths

I wasn't prepared for 'death of birds'

My heart hurts for all of it

I have found, when times are hard, and your raw inner soul is revealed, there are certain people who slink away. But the beauty is that the ones who remain, lift you higher than you could have ever imagined, just by the sheer power of their love.

WE ARE HERE!

We love you

And we honor you

🙏🏾

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Oh, love. I’m sorry for your hearting heart.

Picturing my arms wrapped around you, now.

I feel you and I appreciate you more than there are words for.

I love you very much indeed 💛

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Aug 13, 2023Liked by Chloe Hope

Take care of yourself, as you took care of Norman and Simon. You have so many others who will need your kindness and generosity of spirit when in need - “He whose life has a why can bear almost any how.” You have found a beautiful “why”.

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Tania, my sincerest thanks to you for that reminder. Truly, it lifted some weight 🙏

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Aug 13, 2023Liked by Chloe Hope

I’m very sorry for your losses, Chloe. And the way you wove your story to connect your grief now to how you felt in the midst of a binge was just fantastic and sad and I really appreciate you sharing. Sending out prayers for all of you and some for the people on the train platform, too.

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Thank you, Katie. Thank you for reading, and your kind words, and thank you especially for your prayers for the little guys - and the folks on the platform! Prayers for everyone x

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You said, “I am trying to deal with these thoughts by acknowledging them, being open about them, respecting them while not acting on them, and by orientating towards the things which nourish me in times of heartache: rest, ritual, reverence and retreat.”

St. Basil the Great, writing in the mid-300s, in a homily introducing the biblical book of Proverbs, had this practical tip that sounds an awful lot like what you’ve said. He likens the mind to a steersman (the fella up in the crow’s nest), above the conditions of the waters and able to direct the ship aright, avoiding taking on bitter seawater and protecting the cargo. The mind, while aware of and acknowledging what is happening below in the realm of our heart and memory, remains clear-sighted above the circumstances so as to navigate the ship towards the safe harbor of “rest, ritual, reverence, and retreat,” as you’ve said, which for him would have been the God that Jesus is and reveals to us. It sounds to me like you’ve found something like this.

I think it is precisely your having endured a good many of life’s storms that has made you capacious, a storehouse of affection. We can’t give what we haven’t got, and you’ve been forced to get hold of yourself, which you generously give to arguably one of the weakest among us: the hatchling and sick fledgling and bird with broken wing.

If any creature existed only long enough to know your love, to be in your care, then their existence was, I must believe, a very full one indeed.

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Goodness, Nathaniel. My sincerest thanks for such a considered and thoughtful comment. I read it at about 5am this morning, and thought about it a lot throughout my day. Firstly, I truly love that there are practical tips from the mid-300’s that are still applicable today! Secondly, thinking of my mind as a steersman, up in his crow’s nest, doing his very best, gave me so much relief. I can get a little unsure of (afraid of, if I’m honest) my mind at times - but the visual of it actually working to steer me towards the Divine…wow. That was quite the gift.

I aspire to be a storehouse of affection. I do feel as though every time my heart gets broken it mends bigger, and I’m most grateful for that - as I am for you, and your wisdom, your faith, your knowledge, and your generosity.

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Sending up a prayer for Norman & Simon.

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I am deeply appreciative of it Eleanor

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Sorry for Simon & Norman. Prayers sent up. You’re words are making me love reading again. Thank you 🙏🏼

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Thank you for those prayers, James. And for your extremely generous words 🙏

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Or “your” - whatever works...

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You're good, either way. If you're on laptop there's a little edit button in those three dots beneath, but I love the raw honesty of an unedited, imperfect comment 🪶

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Me too. I'm just grateful they let me out of high school all those years ago.

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I'm so sorry you're having a time of it, Chloe. Simon and Norman's memorial birdhouse sounds like the perfect tribute, what a pillar David is. Wishing you peace and the speedy recovery of your back.

You may find a very odd echo of your imaginary picture crashing in my post next week, I've been working on it for a few days, read this and thought, "Whoa." I have not shared about my own sobriety, but I commend your candor. 💛💛💛

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Thank you, Troy 💜 The bird feeder is an Isamu Noguchi inspired work of art! David has named it ‘Norman & Simons Bento Station’, and we’re currently bickering about whether or not it’s going to have lights framing it, like a diner. I’m looking forward to reading your next post, it’s funny the little synchronicities that keep popping up. Thank you for your kind words, and congrats on your sobriety, my dear x

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I'm pro-diner lights but I worry the birds won't love it ❤

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