Dearest Chloe, your writing moves me in a way that defies description. Your words are slowly seeping into my soul like soothing balm. My own mortality is my greatest fear, the void of non-existence into infinity that will follow this short flash of life that I currently enjoy, terrifies me a little less when I read them. And discovering your letters and your love of birds has converged with my own awakening reverence and devotion to these magical beings.
Emily, my goodness. It's a gift to receive your words, and an honour to feel connected with you, here. I so appreciate your sharing. It's made me reflect on my own relationship to "the void of non-existence into infinity", and how my perception of it has changed, over time. It used to feel like such a harsh, oppressive, almost smothering thing. Now it shimmers. I think it's very easy to become trapped by the idea that anything other than existence as we are experiencing it now = nothing. And I'm grateful that my path has allowed me to loosen my grip on that belief, and to become open to the truth of that fact that, right now, I am only able to conceive of what one, singular human experience is like. I've no idea what kind of consciousness a bird inhabits, or the oak trees in my garden, or its roots, or their mycelium neighbours. And, even though I've witnessed plenty of it, I have no idea what dying is like. Or what death, or 'non-existence', is like. And so instead of it being oppressive, it just shimmers with potential now. Thank you so much for taking the time to come back to the beginning, Emily 💛
The honour feels like it’s all mine Chloe, thank you. I am finding such peace reading back through older posts and re listening to newer ones. Before I was old enough to understand death, the religion my parents chose, taught me that I would get to live forever as long as I sacrificed many things in this life. When I was old enough to question those beliefs and break free, I was left with this fear, and until recently, I have done my best to avoid thinking of it. Thank you for the work you do 💛
I’m crying. Aching! That sweet little swallow and his falling into trust. Is it insane for me to now want to immediately Google Wildlife Rescue near Portland, OR and start volunteering? Chloe, I’m so glad to have found you. You speak right to my heart. And so now, I’m starting from the beginning of your lovely offering and I couldn’t be more delighted to have Death and Birds as a companion to my days. (And I, too, have had a preternatural obsession with death... started a blog decades ago called Grieveyard: a place to mourn, contemplate and exalt the inevitable. It was just a curation of all the wonderful things I’d read about death around the world. And if I were still keeping up the blog, you’d be right on top.❤️
I’m so touched by your comment, and by you making your way back to the start. Also by you wanting to find a Wildlife Rescue! It’s been the most profound gift, getting to be up close with these critters. That Swallow cracked my heart right open. I love that you’ve been interested in Death and grief for a long time. They’re such integral parts of life--I don’t want anyone missing out! So happy to be connected with you here. I’ve started your memoir and it’s amazing, some of the parallels. I was thinking I might email you directly about that if you don’t mind 🧡
If I may quote you back to yourself, "Dumbstruck by the trust he had in me and by the miracle of his existence at all, I had a strange thought pop into my head; there was no earthly reason why a gun wielding maniac would come into a wildlife rescue centre and start shooting things, but, if one did, I would take a bullet for that Swallow. And it would be an honour." Isn't that lovely? And doesn't it perfectly caoture the amazing depth of feeling that these sacred little beings evoke in those of us who are raptured by them? I just love this
You absolutely may, Debi, and I'm very grateful that you did. Thank you for choosing that part, I felt that it most accurately represented just how precious the Swallow, and our time together, felt. Thank you for reading, and taking the time to comment.
“While literally praying that I hadn’t fed him too much while he was unable to excrete anything, I filled a small bowl with warm water and wetted a cotton bud, before spending the next ten minutes very gently and very slowly, so as not to damage any of his feathers, moistening and removing the dried poop.”
I have chickens and here in America we have a rather unfortunate name for this rather unfortunate condition: “pasty butt.” It wasn’t my choice.
But since “cloaca” is the Latin term for “drain” or “sewer”, it appears that clogged cloacae are a problem for us both. 💀🚽 (I swear I won’t leave these on every comment)
‘Pasty butt’ is pretty much the perfect term, though. I should have known my American brothers & sisters would have a handy phrase for it—and it certainly rolls more easily off the tongue than ‘clogged cloacae’!
I would actually prefer if you did leave those on every comment, I personally get a real kick out of the combo 💀🚽🪶
I am deeply fascinated by death, for many reasons but a major reason is that it’s gonna happen to all of us and yet so many of us seem hellbent on ignoring it. Which seems like a crazy phenomenon to me.
I’m also a big fan of birds because to put it simply I’m obsessed with flying. You could even say I’m jealous of birds (the flying ones anyway).
I was also really impressed with how well you weaved these topics together while also sprinkling humour throughout.
I look forward to reading more of your pieces. And I subscribed to help David out, of course.
P.S - I’m also a philosophy major so you kinda hooked me with that little tid-bit as well.
I agree, it is one crazy phenomenon! I spend a lot of time thinking about why the aversion runs so deep, it’s multi-layered, of course, but I do think there’s a big cultural aspect to it…
Birds are great! Do you ever have flying dreams? They’re my favourite…
I appreciate that you appreciated my attempts at humour. And yay philosophy! I’m looking forward to reading more of the Curious Platypus, such a fantastic name. And I had exactly the same experience with Substack, she’s a wily mistress!
Yes, I definitely agree that culture plays a big part in it. That is one of the reasons I’ve always been interested in learning more about how other cultures treat death. I’m certainly no expert but it seems some eastern cultures have a very different relationship with death than we do in the west.
I love when I have a flying dream! For a while I was even trying to learn how to lucid dream just so I could fly more in my dreams. But alas, lucid dreaming is no easy feat (for me anyway).
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I’m looking forward to reading more of Death & Birds (also a great name).
Oh I spent months learning to lucid dream, managed to fly a couple of times, but it is haaaard! I was practicing with the idea to do the Buddhist practice of ‘Dream Yoga’, where you sit and mediate within a dream (the idea being that there aren’t enough hours in the day to meditate enough to reach enlightenment in one lifetime). I did not manage that! I think that’s some next level, master work, in hindsight. But I did ‘create’ a few dreams that helped to ease some childhood trauma stuff. So it’s a rich resource, if you can put the work in (which I can’t right now as I don’t get much sleep during this season!!) but I hope to again some day...
I also hope to touch more on various cultural approaches to Death over the coming weeks, Hopefully there’ll be something interesting there for you.
Lovely story - I now have a clearer understanding of why bird shit is good luck.
Thank you, James. And yeah, it means a bird is alive & well, what more could one ask for!
Dearest Chloe, your writing moves me in a way that defies description. Your words are slowly seeping into my soul like soothing balm. My own mortality is my greatest fear, the void of non-existence into infinity that will follow this short flash of life that I currently enjoy, terrifies me a little less when I read them. And discovering your letters and your love of birds has converged with my own awakening reverence and devotion to these magical beings.
Emily, my goodness. It's a gift to receive your words, and an honour to feel connected with you, here. I so appreciate your sharing. It's made me reflect on my own relationship to "the void of non-existence into infinity", and how my perception of it has changed, over time. It used to feel like such a harsh, oppressive, almost smothering thing. Now it shimmers. I think it's very easy to become trapped by the idea that anything other than existence as we are experiencing it now = nothing. And I'm grateful that my path has allowed me to loosen my grip on that belief, and to become open to the truth of that fact that, right now, I am only able to conceive of what one, singular human experience is like. I've no idea what kind of consciousness a bird inhabits, or the oak trees in my garden, or its roots, or their mycelium neighbours. And, even though I've witnessed plenty of it, I have no idea what dying is like. Or what death, or 'non-existence', is like. And so instead of it being oppressive, it just shimmers with potential now. Thank you so much for taking the time to come back to the beginning, Emily 💛
The honour feels like it’s all mine Chloe, thank you. I am finding such peace reading back through older posts and re listening to newer ones. Before I was old enough to understand death, the religion my parents chose, taught me that I would get to live forever as long as I sacrificed many things in this life. When I was old enough to question those beliefs and break free, I was left with this fear, and until recently, I have done my best to avoid thinking of it. Thank you for the work you do 💛
It’s a true delight to go back and read some of your first posts, Chloe. So grateful you are on the planet, and writing.
Maia, you are so kind, how lovely. Thank you, and very much likewise.
Love it!
I’m crying. Aching! That sweet little swallow and his falling into trust. Is it insane for me to now want to immediately Google Wildlife Rescue near Portland, OR and start volunteering? Chloe, I’m so glad to have found you. You speak right to my heart. And so now, I’m starting from the beginning of your lovely offering and I couldn’t be more delighted to have Death and Birds as a companion to my days. (And I, too, have had a preternatural obsession with death... started a blog decades ago called Grieveyard: a place to mourn, contemplate and exalt the inevitable. It was just a curation of all the wonderful things I’d read about death around the world. And if I were still keeping up the blog, you’d be right on top.❤️
I’m so touched by your comment, and by you making your way back to the start. Also by you wanting to find a Wildlife Rescue! It’s been the most profound gift, getting to be up close with these critters. That Swallow cracked my heart right open. I love that you’ve been interested in Death and grief for a long time. They’re such integral parts of life--I don’t want anyone missing out! So happy to be connected with you here. I’ve started your memoir and it’s amazing, some of the parallels. I was thinking I might email you directly about that if you don’t mind 🧡
Oh! Let’s email! ❤️
If I may quote you back to yourself, "Dumbstruck by the trust he had in me and by the miracle of his existence at all, I had a strange thought pop into my head; there was no earthly reason why a gun wielding maniac would come into a wildlife rescue centre and start shooting things, but, if one did, I would take a bullet for that Swallow. And it would be an honour." Isn't that lovely? And doesn't it perfectly caoture the amazing depth of feeling that these sacred little beings evoke in those of us who are raptured by them? I just love this
You absolutely may, Debi, and I'm very grateful that you did. Thank you for choosing that part, I felt that it most accurately represented just how precious the Swallow, and our time together, felt. Thank you for reading, and taking the time to comment.
Chloe, I wanted to go back to your earlier posts and thank you for your observations and audio.
Diane, that's really so kind. Thank you for taking the time to read some bits from the early days! I greatly appreciate it.
“While literally praying that I hadn’t fed him too much while he was unable to excrete anything, I filled a small bowl with warm water and wetted a cotton bud, before spending the next ten minutes very gently and very slowly, so as not to damage any of his feathers, moistening and removing the dried poop.”
I have chickens and here in America we have a rather unfortunate name for this rather unfortunate condition: “pasty butt.” It wasn’t my choice.
But since “cloaca” is the Latin term for “drain” or “sewer”, it appears that clogged cloacae are a problem for us both. 💀🚽 (I swear I won’t leave these on every comment)
‘Pasty butt’ is pretty much the perfect term, though. I should have known my American brothers & sisters would have a handy phrase for it—and it certainly rolls more easily off the tongue than ‘clogged cloacae’!
I would actually prefer if you did leave those on every comment, I personally get a real kick out of the combo 💀🚽🪶
This is a great introductory piece.
I am deeply fascinated by death, for many reasons but a major reason is that it’s gonna happen to all of us and yet so many of us seem hellbent on ignoring it. Which seems like a crazy phenomenon to me.
I’m also a big fan of birds because to put it simply I’m obsessed with flying. You could even say I’m jealous of birds (the flying ones anyway).
I was also really impressed with how well you weaved these topics together while also sprinkling humour throughout.
I look forward to reading more of your pieces. And I subscribed to help David out, of course.
P.S - I’m also a philosophy major so you kinda hooked me with that little tid-bit as well.
Hey Michael, thanks so much for your kind words.
I agree, it is one crazy phenomenon! I spend a lot of time thinking about why the aversion runs so deep, it’s multi-layered, of course, but I do think there’s a big cultural aspect to it…
Birds are great! Do you ever have flying dreams? They’re my favourite…
I appreciate that you appreciated my attempts at humour. And yay philosophy! I’m looking forward to reading more of the Curious Platypus, such a fantastic name. And I had exactly the same experience with Substack, she’s a wily mistress!
(Ps, David says thank you) 🪶
Yes, I definitely agree that culture plays a big part in it. That is one of the reasons I’ve always been interested in learning more about how other cultures treat death. I’m certainly no expert but it seems some eastern cultures have a very different relationship with death than we do in the west.
I love when I have a flying dream! For a while I was even trying to learn how to lucid dream just so I could fly more in my dreams. But alas, lucid dreaming is no easy feat (for me anyway).
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I’m looking forward to reading more of Death & Birds (also a great name).
Oh I spent months learning to lucid dream, managed to fly a couple of times, but it is haaaard! I was practicing with the idea to do the Buddhist practice of ‘Dream Yoga’, where you sit and mediate within a dream (the idea being that there aren’t enough hours in the day to meditate enough to reach enlightenment in one lifetime). I did not manage that! I think that’s some next level, master work, in hindsight. But I did ‘create’ a few dreams that helped to ease some childhood trauma stuff. So it’s a rich resource, if you can put the work in (which I can’t right now as I don’t get much sleep during this season!!) but I hope to again some day...
I also hope to touch more on various cultural approaches to Death over the coming weeks, Hopefully there’ll be something interesting there for you.
Thanks again, Michael!
That is so interesting!
I have heard of dream yoga but I’ve never explored it myself - being able to meditate in your dreams definitely does sound like some next level stuff.
It certainly seems like there is are a lot of benefits to lucid dreaming. And the few times it did happen for me it was amazing.
I look forward to reading some of your up coming pieces.
Thanks Chole.
Wow...This is so beautifully expressed. Nearly moved me to tears! 🌺
Thank you for your kind words, Naomi. I'm so pleased it resonated with you 🪶
Lovely, Chloe! 💕
Thank you, Rosi 🪶
Thanks for this Chloe. It's a wonderful time of year to bring loving awareness to our flying friends and impermanence. I look forward to reading more!
Thank you so much Rufus! I’m overjoyed to have you here ☺️